I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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