Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're a waste of cheezeits
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
