it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
