Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
