She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
