mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
