i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
