Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
