my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
