so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
