My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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