he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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