I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
