Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
