Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
