goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
