I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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