This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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