My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
