I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
