I can text with my tongue
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
why is half of my head shaved?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
