I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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