WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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