Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.