Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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