he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.