is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
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The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter