Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.