guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i would punch a child for taco bell
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up