the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need a burrito and a hug.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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