Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
