mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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