i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
