News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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