Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
