3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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