dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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