I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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