just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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