im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.