At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
