I should be sponsored by Trojan
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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