I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
