I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
50% drunk capacity currently
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
