my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
