My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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