I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
