I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
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Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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