Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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