Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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