They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
