toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
