I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
