Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
