I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
