I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
