threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
