You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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