that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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