Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
