38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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